"it" just moved
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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