I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
