is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
