My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
