I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
