ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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