A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
