capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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