false alarm. still invincible.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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