You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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