Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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