I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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