I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
