john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
