Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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