I looked at my own cervix.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
