my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
