When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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