Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
