My friends, they love my intelligence
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
