Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I need to stop coming to work sober
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize