Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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