any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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