im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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