Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
