um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
