I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
