sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
