when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
40s are totally the cure
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
