i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
