Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Randomize
