My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
