someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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