Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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