I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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