its not stalking. its research.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
