hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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