you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
