Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
