i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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