White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize