she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please, let me fuck your mom
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
be right there i have to get my cape
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
