all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize