my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize