You're my little dorito
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
