Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
