Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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