it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
