Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
