Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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