I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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