Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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