i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
