He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
