When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
