a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
