I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
