If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
