So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
