you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
