I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
