this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize