it wasn't lemon gatorade
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
