I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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