You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize