i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
